Thursday, September 11, 2008

Whats the best way to avoid heartbreak?

The best way to avoid heartbreak is to quickly get up from the chair that you are sitting in and go find a shovel. Than go to a backyard, preferably not your own, and proceed to dig a giantic hole. Follow that up by entering the hole, and than slowly burying yourself! Heartbreak will be avoided forever! If living in a hole isnt your style, I would suggest, than, that you are fuckin screwed, with a capital F.S. Heartbreak, my friends, is inevitable! Trust me, my heart has been ripped out of my chest, spit on, thrown agaist a wall, stabbed with a dirty rusty screwdriver, boiled on a stove with the local produce, fried with ham and eggs, kicked, ran through the dishwasher, stoned, and beaten with a steel bat, Casino style! If you live on this earth, I gaurantee, at least once in your life, your heart will be broken! Of course, you could be unlucky like me, and have your shit, broken and tattered more than once, but I wouldn't recommend that! On the other hand, there are also those rare species of humans, for instance, my grandparents, who recently celebrated their 60th wedding anniversary and have never experienced heartbreak. They also have not experienced sleeping in the same bed together for over 30 years, but thats a whole other story!

Anyway, back to heartbreak, what is it that makes it so painful? Of course, we all know the initial pain of a relationship gone bad, the breakup, which begins the heartbreak process, but diving further into the situation, what are the stems of heartbreak, and why does it hurt so much? Lets start with the anatomy of a relationship. The meeting. When you first meet someone and you like them alot, and they like you, you start to get little butterflies floating around in your stomach. Well guess where those little bastards end up, your heart! I compare the butterflies to the drug ecstacy. You see, when you take ecstacy, the drug drains all of your saratonin out of your brain, which releases crazy endorphines, which make you feel ecstatic. Its a feeling of complete and utter goodness, until the endorphines run out, and you have no saratonin supply left in your brain, and than you feel like utter poo! Its almost as if you were bipolar. This is exactly what happens with love and those little bastard butterflies! You find a girl/guy who you like, which leads to love and the butterflies get so excited and dance around in your heart and tickle your insides causing a feeling of incredible highs. Than when the love ends, those butterflies dont like you anymore, they feel betrayed. "Why did you fuck this one up asshole?" they ask, and they proceed to chisel away at your heart, sometimes even spitting on it. They continue this process and float off into butterfly land, with a piece of your heart attached to their spleens, pooping little pieces of your heart out of their tiny butterfly asses, slowly but surely!

What should you do if you become heartbroken? What I usually do is crawl into my bathtub in the fetal position and cry to God for about four to five days. After looking like a prune, and my manhood is shriveled up into my anus, I usually stretch out, dry off, and exit the tub. Once the physical torture is completed, the mental steps in, and like everything, the mental torture is the hardest, and it crushes you! For example, the first two weeks after I quit drinking, smoking, and drugs, I was in such physical pain, I wanted to die. After the two weeks, though, my body was feeling pretty good and healthy, but my brain, haha, my brain, he still fuckin hated me! The heart is the brains best friend, so if you mess with the heart, than your messin with the brain. When your heart is broken, than your brain is broken, and that means the brain is gonna fuck you up! The brain takes you to hell; nightmares, paranoia, delusions, shit, even schitzophrenia is a vacation compared to heartbreak! Than your brain keeps reminding you what has happened. "You lost your best friend, no more cuddling for you, damn your fuckin old, your a pathetic loser, how could you fuck this one up, whose gonna protect her now, your never gonna find someone like her again, man she had great tits, you cant call her babycakes or lovey, no more pickin your nose in front of her, how can you ever trust again, did I mention your a loser, and oh yeah, she's bangin your best friend (of course, this one isnt usually true, thats just your brain putting asshole paranoid thoughts into your head!)" After all of that, the brain lets you in on one more secret, "the hardest thing in the world will be knowing you cant take care of your baby no longer, and that the person you love will no longer be a part of your life!" This, I promise you my friends, will be the ultimate mind fuck!

So whats the best way to avoid heartbreak? You can't! When it happens you just have to suck it up, and have a good attitude about the whole thing. That is after a nice bout of tears, screaming, hitting yourself, and depression. Once you let alot of shit out, start saying things to battle your mind, like "her loss, Im a catch, Im gonna bang someone hotter than her, Im a rockstar, she doesnt know what shes missing," Like everything in this world, its all about attitude, pressure, and time. Time heals all wounds. You just have to bounce back, and let time heal your pain. Trust me, I just got my heart broken a couple days ago, and yes, it sucks elephant titus balls, but you have to move forward. Im still in a shit load of pain, but I know I'll get through this. You are a soldier, you will get through this, I promise. Two more things, first, karma is a bitch! I have broken a couple hearts in my day, so in a sense, I guess I deserve what I got! Second, never get your heartbroken from someone you work with, like I did, cause now I have to go to work tomorrow and see the girl, who I still love, who doesnt want to be with me!
Peace and Love.
Do you have any stories of heartbreak? Please share.

1 comment:

Joel said...

Jonzie Wild needs to throw his shit out in the street, light it on fire and get the fuck out of dodge!

Seriously, dude. You should try a change of scenery. Get out of B'more and actually Be More. The ATL wouldn't be a bad choice. Seriously. Plenty of cheap places to live around here and the job market is as good as you'll ever find these days.

just a thought. later.