Thursday, September 11, 2008

Whats the best way to avoid heartbreak?

The best way to avoid heartbreak is to quickly get up from the chair that you are sitting in and go find a shovel. Than go to a backyard, preferably not your own, and proceed to dig a giantic hole. Follow that up by entering the hole, and than slowly burying yourself! Heartbreak will be avoided forever! If living in a hole isnt your style, I would suggest, than, that you are fuckin screwed, with a capital F.S. Heartbreak, my friends, is inevitable! Trust me, my heart has been ripped out of my chest, spit on, thrown agaist a wall, stabbed with a dirty rusty screwdriver, boiled on a stove with the local produce, fried with ham and eggs, kicked, ran through the dishwasher, stoned, and beaten with a steel bat, Casino style! If you live on this earth, I gaurantee, at least once in your life, your heart will be broken! Of course, you could be unlucky like me, and have your shit, broken and tattered more than once, but I wouldn't recommend that! On the other hand, there are also those rare species of humans, for instance, my grandparents, who recently celebrated their 60th wedding anniversary and have never experienced heartbreak. They also have not experienced sleeping in the same bed together for over 30 years, but thats a whole other story!

Anyway, back to heartbreak, what is it that makes it so painful? Of course, we all know the initial pain of a relationship gone bad, the breakup, which begins the heartbreak process, but diving further into the situation, what are the stems of heartbreak, and why does it hurt so much? Lets start with the anatomy of a relationship. The meeting. When you first meet someone and you like them alot, and they like you, you start to get little butterflies floating around in your stomach. Well guess where those little bastards end up, your heart! I compare the butterflies to the drug ecstacy. You see, when you take ecstacy, the drug drains all of your saratonin out of your brain, which releases crazy endorphines, which make you feel ecstatic. Its a feeling of complete and utter goodness, until the endorphines run out, and you have no saratonin supply left in your brain, and than you feel like utter poo! Its almost as if you were bipolar. This is exactly what happens with love and those little bastard butterflies! You find a girl/guy who you like, which leads to love and the butterflies get so excited and dance around in your heart and tickle your insides causing a feeling of incredible highs. Than when the love ends, those butterflies dont like you anymore, they feel betrayed. "Why did you fuck this one up asshole?" they ask, and they proceed to chisel away at your heart, sometimes even spitting on it. They continue this process and float off into butterfly land, with a piece of your heart attached to their spleens, pooping little pieces of your heart out of their tiny butterfly asses, slowly but surely!

What should you do if you become heartbroken? What I usually do is crawl into my bathtub in the fetal position and cry to God for about four to five days. After looking like a prune, and my manhood is shriveled up into my anus, I usually stretch out, dry off, and exit the tub. Once the physical torture is completed, the mental steps in, and like everything, the mental torture is the hardest, and it crushes you! For example, the first two weeks after I quit drinking, smoking, and drugs, I was in such physical pain, I wanted to die. After the two weeks, though, my body was feeling pretty good and healthy, but my brain, haha, my brain, he still fuckin hated me! The heart is the brains best friend, so if you mess with the heart, than your messin with the brain. When your heart is broken, than your brain is broken, and that means the brain is gonna fuck you up! The brain takes you to hell; nightmares, paranoia, delusions, shit, even schitzophrenia is a vacation compared to heartbreak! Than your brain keeps reminding you what has happened. "You lost your best friend, no more cuddling for you, damn your fuckin old, your a pathetic loser, how could you fuck this one up, whose gonna protect her now, your never gonna find someone like her again, man she had great tits, you cant call her babycakes or lovey, no more pickin your nose in front of her, how can you ever trust again, did I mention your a loser, and oh yeah, she's bangin your best friend (of course, this one isnt usually true, thats just your brain putting asshole paranoid thoughts into your head!)" After all of that, the brain lets you in on one more secret, "the hardest thing in the world will be knowing you cant take care of your baby no longer, and that the person you love will no longer be a part of your life!" This, I promise you my friends, will be the ultimate mind fuck!

So whats the best way to avoid heartbreak? You can't! When it happens you just have to suck it up, and have a good attitude about the whole thing. That is after a nice bout of tears, screaming, hitting yourself, and depression. Once you let alot of shit out, start saying things to battle your mind, like "her loss, Im a catch, Im gonna bang someone hotter than her, Im a rockstar, she doesnt know what shes missing," Like everything in this world, its all about attitude, pressure, and time. Time heals all wounds. You just have to bounce back, and let time heal your pain. Trust me, I just got my heart broken a couple days ago, and yes, it sucks elephant titus balls, but you have to move forward. Im still in a shit load of pain, but I know I'll get through this. You are a soldier, you will get through this, I promise. Two more things, first, karma is a bitch! I have broken a couple hearts in my day, so in a sense, I guess I deserve what I got! Second, never get your heartbroken from someone you work with, like I did, cause now I have to go to work tomorrow and see the girl, who I still love, who doesnt want to be with me!
Peace and Love.
Do you have any stories of heartbreak? Please share.

Friday, September 5, 2008

How does one achieve sobriety, and how does it feel?

Oh, sobriety feels just dandy, I'm gonna go out and buy that kitten that I always wanted and go chase that rainbow, how do you think sobriety feels, it sucks, big gigantic donkey balls!! Of course, I'm only thirty days deep so I'm still in the bitter, bite off your knee caps, stage. I added some icing on my cake as well, I quit ciggies! Lets see, Ive been drinking for twenty years (the longest I ever quit for was fourteen days), smoked ciggies for seventeen years, and ingested enough chemicals to kill a small army! (thats a whole other blog entry) At my last birthday, (thirty days ago to be exact) I got shit faced drunk, of course, and tried to drive home, (my friends stopped me thank God!) I than flipped over a table, tried to fight my friends and the band, and ran into oncoming traffic, (trying to fight moving cars!) and finally ran off into the night, waking up in an alleyway the next morning! This shit was hilarious to my friends, and it probably would've been hilarious to me back in the day, but Im getting older now. Its time for me to grow the fuck up! This is not the first time this has happened, probably the 120th time. There have also been times when Ive seen people driving who shouldn't have been, (including myself) and some would wake up the next morning not knowing where they were at first, finally, noticing they were luckily at home and their car was safely in the driveway. Mad people are guilty of this! We all make mistakes, but what the fuck? What the funk are people thinking? Imagine hitting somebody or killing somebody? I mean, everyone has loved ones, What the fuck? When my sister was fifteen she and her friends got in a terrible accident cause her friend decided to drive and he hit a tree! I'm talking, broken ribs, broken jaws, broken hips, head injuries, spinal injuries, cause this one dood got behind the wheel drunk! I read about this one dood who got nine DWI's and after his ninth one, right after he got out of court, at ten in the morning, he hit up the bar all day, drove home, and hit an innocent person, crippling the victim, this of course is pretty extreme but the drink can lead you down these paths! Ive had my ass beat down a couple of times for being drunk and starting fights with people, like the time I ran out into the street wasted and punched a random moving car. You should've seen this shit show. It was straight out of the circus, I punched this little ass Nissan sentra as hard as I could, and it slammed on the breaks! Next thing you know, six of the biggest linebackin hillybillin Nebraska livin doods get out and are ready to kill and they did! I'm not really here, this isn't happening. I used to drink a "dirty thirty" pack a night, along with, my participating in other extracuricular chemically induced activities, and then blackout. I would sometimes stay in my apartment by myself for days, and make excuses and not come out! Why would someone who has a beautiful family and girlfriend who loves them, spend all their time makin love to chemicals, a thirty pack and a bottle of Jager? Cause I was a motherfunkin addict! These progressions led up to my last birthday event, and the combination set off an epiphany in my head, I needed to be sober, or I would be dead! I wanted to spend my life with my lovely girlfriend and not in a casket! Ironically, when I came to, and finally became sober, after twenty years of being a fuck up, my girlfriend broke up with me and broke my heart! (see my next blog entry) Maybe she was attracted to my old style image, or maybe it just wasnt meant to be! Another relationship down the shitter, thats karma for you, but I do believe things happen for a reason! She was going down a different path, not a bad path, but just a different one than I was. I was in a bad place for such a long time! The important thing is that Im sober and alive, and at a better place, and so is she, and I will always love her!

How bad is temptation? Temptation is one of the devils little sidekicks, he sat on my shoulder for a long time! Temptation is evil and will swallow you up whole if you are not strong. You must rule the day when it comes to temptation, like a general rules its army. Strength and honor. Never leave a man behind! The other night, I was so upset with the situation between my girlfriend and I, that I pulled into my favorite bar, my "Cheers" and sat outside in my car for 45 minutes balling my eyes out, contemplating whether I should go in or not. Here's what would've happened if I listened to temptation, and entered the bar: First I would've had my beer opened and slid down the bar, from the bartender, right when I walked in the door. I would chug that in about 30 seconds, and have another. I would start ordering shots of whiskey and granma and cherry bombs and of course Jager, and would keep them comin, due to my incredible sadness. A little something to kill the pain. When I was good and drunk I would start smoking again. I would live out the remaining hours before last call drinking heavily and probably becoming violent. This would lead me to try to drive drunk, but I would hail a cab, thank God, to the local liquor store after last call and buy a thirty pack, a packet of ciggies, and a bottle of Jager. I would continue to drink at home by myself until I could finally fall asleep! I would than wake up the next morning with no car, no money, no self respect, still no girlfriend, and would be manically depressed. Needless to say, after I had a good cry, and played the scenario over and over in my head, I told temptation to go fuck itself, went home, and had a safe, sober and restful night! Im not saying this applys to everyone, but for me, the drink=depression=chemicals=suicide=death. I cant drink, therefore I dont, want to drink!

How does one achieve sobriety? First and foremost, you have to want to be sober. Without the want and drive, there is no way you will ever reach the point of sobriety! Second, you have to realize that you have a problem and if you keep enhancing the problem, you will die, or kill someone else, or be homeless, or in jail! Yes, I realize, it is absolutely frustrating to see those people who have just one glass of wine or one beer or one scotch, and are on their merry way. Guess what, we are not those people, so dont even think about it! Thirdly, you have to get help and support, you are not alone! This is a disease, and there is help and a cure for this disease, so get the help you need! I am here to help as well!

How does sobriety feel? Im not gonna lie, like I said earlier, it sucks gigantic donkey balls, but I'm healthy, am not a menace to society or a menace to myself, and I can actually form sentences, and make intelligent rational decisions. True I cant hang out with my old friends at bars and drink and carry on, or smoke a ciggie after that nice meal, or go to drug parties and dance with the devil, and feel incredibally "chemically" good, having that gangster lean and stare. Who do you think was the original Slim Shady? Of course those days I only cared about myself. I was the rockstar of rockstars, thinkin the world was revolved only around my head, and my high! All that has changed now, and I know I am a responsible person, and I feel better now as well, way better than any drug Ive ever been on made me feel. Im staying out of trouble, and trying to do a little better for society! Ive found God and religion, and others who have the same attitudes as me. I volunteer for the less fortunate, and I respect the laws and people around me! I was messed up for so long, I felt like I was living in a dream, like I was just born thirty days ago. I was that guy who used to make fun of people who went to AA, and now those people are my second family! Its funny, this girl asked me the other day, why don't you just quit for a lil while and than just smoke pot, or become a social drinker? I laughed and I laughed and than cried and than laughed again, there is no such thing as social drinking for me, just social act a fool, get beat up, have evil chemical romances, hit parked cars, yell at those who care and love you, drinking!

There is one more advantage to the whole, "being the sober dood." You can be the sober driver, and drive your drunk ass friends home! Your saving lives, and chicks dig it, trust me. Also you can drive by a cop at two in the a.m. at 75 miles per hour, and when he pulls you over, you can already be doing your "drunk driving test" warmups, and have nothing to worry about! Of course thats a joke, please dont speed, or drive drunk, and, if possible, please dont be a fuckup for twenty years!

One love and peace.

Have you tried to become sober or are now leading a sober life? Please share your story with me!